


Take It Over to 'Gram Town

by kittensmctavish



Series: Buzzfeed Soulmates AU [9]
Category: BuzzFeed Violet (Short Films), Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bad Parenting, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Epistolary, Foreshadowing, Gen, Musical References, Panic Attacks, Sister-Sister Relationship, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tangled (2010) References, Triggers, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:57:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: in which there are references to musicals, pentatonix, game grumps, college theatre, hozier, and things from the past.told almost entirely through instagram posts.





	Take It Over to 'Gram Town

**Author's Note:**

> i must have rewritten this thing about eight million times before i finally reached a point where i'm not completely mad at it. hopefully you're not, either.
> 
> gotta say, the responses i've been getting, especially on the last part, have been...overwhelming. there's pressure to keep up the good work, and i'm scared i won't be able to meet expectations. but i'll certainly try. thank you so much for reading and, if you've left them, your lovely comments.
> 
> (the next part will be more plot-heavy, i promise.)

[Pictured: a list of things in your handwriting. The list is as follows:

scott hoying—hunter or jeff in [title of show], king george iii in hamilton

mitch grassi—hunter or jeff in [title of show], dolokhov in great comet of 1812

kevin olusola—brent in ghost quartet, benny in in the heights, george washington in hamilton

matt sallee—aaron burr or hercules mulligan in hamilton

avi kaplan—chaliapin in preludes, guy in once, brent from ghost quartet (kevin can teach him cello)

dan avidan—telephone guy in the band’s visit]

_521 likes_

**alilyforastamp** partly inspired by kirstie maldonado’s run in “kinky boots” on broadway, partly inspired by a tipsy ramble from my sister, i compiled a list of roles i’d want to see the other members (and former member) of pentatonix play. with bonus dan-from-game-grumps because i can/because tell me him singing “answer me” would not be the most gorgeous thing ever.

(for record, other roles i’d want to see kirstie play are any of the girls in spring awakening, and the one who sings “bless the lord” in godspell…the characters in godspell don’t really have names.)

_See all 59 comments_

**adambianchi** i’m curious as to what the tipsy ramble was.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi really just her trying to figure out who else has the range to pull off “loop” from preludes, and only being able to think of avi.

**shanemadej** Is “Loop” that one song you made us listen to that’s basically a thinly veiled shitpost in the form of a song?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej as the man responsible for the doctor goondis rap, you are in ABSOLUTELY no place to be calling other songs thinly veiled shitposts in the form of songs.

**ryanbergara** @alilyforastamp I liked “Loop”. It’s WEIRD AS HELL, but I like it. :)

***

[Video: you’re in a stairwell, holding a camera facing yourself, Ryan and Shane following behind you. They can be heard speaking very animatedly, and you’re giving the camera an amused annoyed look when you suddenly jolt out of sight and the camera’s view flies around for a moment. A thud and an exclamation from you can be heard, along with a “JESUS CHRIST” from Ryan. The camera stills abruptly to land on you clutching the stair railing for dear life; as you laugh, the camera shakes a little. “Are you okay?” Ryan asks with genuine concern. “Is the camera okay?” Shane asks with joking concern as the video ends.]

_856 likes_

**alilyforastamp** this was gonna be a stealthy video showing you that these two have been arguing salted butter vs. unsalted butter vs. clarified butter for popcorn for the past fifteen minutes and driving me slowly mad. instead, it turned into video proof of why i never wear anything with even the slightest semblance of a heel.

_See all 198 comments_

**theteegeman** i’m impressed that you managed to hold on to the camera mid-fall like that. bodes well for whenever we’ll have to haul ass on unsolved shoots. :P

**alilyforastamp** @theteegeman that camera’s worth more than my life seventy times over; like hell it’s gonna break on my watch.

**shanemadej** That was one of the scariest moments I’ve ever experienced. Your entire life flashed before my eyes when you fell…’shudders’ It was terrible.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej yeah…sorry about the life-flash-thing. hopefully, you can sleep well knowing the camera’s okay. and knowing that you can forever lord over me (quite literally) the fact that you walk in heels better than i do.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation, light grey speech bubbles on the left, blue speech bubbles on the right.

Blue: joseph keckler or avi kaplan? you can only choose one.

Grey: how absolutely dare you.

Blue: choooooooose.

Grey: how could you, sister, how could you?

Blue: spare me the gq references and choose, bish.

Grey: HOW CAN I CHOOSE? i want to marry joseph’s vocal range but i also wanna climb avi like one of the trees that he is so fond of.

Blue: THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR INSTAGRAM.

Grey: POST IT YOU COWARD.]

_390 likes_

**alilyforastamp** text-ventures with my sister, episode thirsty-for-basso-profundo.

_See all 42 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** wow. mood. also, gq?

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang gq as in ghost quartet. not gq as in the magazine in which you will probably eventually appear at some point. :P

**saraerubin** Is your sister okay with you sharing that?

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin as you can see, she actively encourages it. :P

***

[Pictured: you on a stage of sorts, dressed in a simple black dress, hair pulled back severely, a small sinister smile on your face as you seemingly speak to someone.]

_668 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #tbt to playing the caretaker, mrs. dudley, in “the haunting of hill house” my freshman year in college. went onstage for like ten minutes, THOROUGHLY creeped everyone out, and then chilled backstage until curtain call. #inthenight #inthedark

_See all 173 comments_

**ryanbergara** You really were just kind of meant to be part of “Unsolved”, weren’t you? :) (Also, could you imagine if Hill House actually existed? THAT’S an episode I would be TERRIFIED to film.)

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara i would LOVE to see shane explain how the breathing door and the pounding on the door/walls/ceiling wasn’t supernatural in any way. (i mean, THAT’S the thing that got russ tamblyn’s shaniac ass to go full boogara.)

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation.

Grey: shane is if adam driver’s character’s part of “please mr. kennedy” took human form. tell me i’m wrong.

Blue: …this is an accuracy i’ve never considered. you are not wrong.

Grey: THAT’S CAUSE I’M A GENIUS, BISH.

Blue: you’re a sloshed genius, but yes.]

_901 likes_

**alilyforastamp** text-ventures with my sister, part ten…nine…eight seven six five four…three…two—ONE SECOND PLEASE.

(or: my sister got drunk and started roasting my friends/coworkers at me)

_See all 203 comments_

**saraerubin** I’m CRYING over this. (Also, ooh, did I get roasted? What were my roasts?) (Also also, Shane won’t stop going “Outer…SPACE!...Outer…SPACE!”)

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin she misses when you dyed your hair fun colors, but otherwise, you’re a precious bean. (also, i’m so sorry.)

**ryanbergara** If he’s Adam Driver, does that mean I’m Oscar Isaac? Or Justin Timberlake?

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara you’re “rod serling but bro-ier”. (sister’s words, not mine.)

**adambianchi** did i get roasted? i feel like because she met me, she’d roast me.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi she sent me a video of her singing the chorus part of “pierre”. so “merry feasting crank”, “most dear, most kind, most smart and eccentric”, and so on.

***

[Video: you holding the camera, facing yourself. You silently lift your music-playing device and press “Play”. A goddess growls “You Will Not Enter MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HOUSE, SCOUNDREL…” You press “Pause” and smirk at the screen.]

_309 likes_

**alilyforastamp** perfect ghost deterrent. coming with me to all the haunts. #doyouhearwhatimsayingornot

_See all 41 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** okay, no idea who this is, but i can’t decide if i’m terrified or turned on. maybe a little of both.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang grace mclean as marya in “great comet”. and yeah, she can fuck me up with this nonsense. (you think THAT’S terrifying/arousing? listen to “in my house”. it’ll have you SHOOKETH.)

**ryanbergara** …yeah, that’d scare more than just a ghost or a demon out of a haunt.

**shanemadej** @ryanbergara It’d also wake the neighbors the heck up.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation.

Blue: so many spelling variations…

Grey: to be fair, you DO bear a striking resemblance to knute rockne, all american.

Blue: #winoneforthegipper

Grey: don’t listen to them. you are not a “cnut”. you are a psickle. nay, a jalleon. (…you know…like the pronunciation-of-“gif” argument.)

Blue: (yes, you’re very clever.) i am cnut, the great viking king.

Grey: not one variation of “berk” or “berkshire hunt”, i am disappoint.

Blue: they’re not that creative, i don’t think.]

_117 likes_

**alilyforastamp** text-ventures with my sister, part internet-trolls-are-fun.

_See all 25 comments_

**jenrigatoni** ah, the joys of being a woman on the web… if it helps, they’re unknowingly telling you that you possess depth, warmth, and charm. :3

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni sweet-talker. :3 my favorite hate comments are the ones that tell me “i feel bad for your soulmate”. never heard THAT one before.

***

[Pictured: you “onstage” in a black box theatre, wearing a plain, old-fashioned raincoat, jeans, and boots, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear as you smile. You’re looking at someone not pictured, and the expression on your face is nothing short of adoration.]

_998 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #tbt to freshman year of college, in a scene from a directing student’s midterm. it was a scene from “annie on my mind”. i played liza; annie is just off camera. (this is shortly after the jousting-in-the-museum meet-cute, and the exact moment when i realize how beautiful she is.) #itsrainingannie

_See all 201 comments_

**jenrigatoni** gaaaaaaaaaaay. :P

**saraerubin** You, the character, or you, the person, realize Annie is beautiful?

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin yes.

**theteegeman** when do we get embarrassing baby pictures?

**alilyforastamp** @theteegeman you don’t. :P

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation.

Grey: did you get my email?

Blue: yes. and no, i’m not forwarding it per your request.

Grey: but it’s important!

Blue: you already told ryan and shane that you’d give then what for if anything happened to me on a shoot. they don’t need to hear it again.

Grey: but i didn’t tell your beardy fellow cameraperson! or anyone else on the crew!

Blue: if i screenshot this and post it to my instagram, will that suffice?

Grey: RYAN SHANE AND BEARD GUY IF ANYTHING BEFALLS MY SISTER I WILL HAUNT YOU EVEN WHILE I’M STILL ALIVE. YOU WILL NOT KNOW REST.

Blue: oh my god…]

_667 likes_

**alilyforastamp** text-ventures with my sister, part a-very-special-message-for-@ryanbergara @shanemadej and @theteegeman

See all 87 comments

**theteegeman** the more i learn about your sister, the more i’m genuinely terrified of her.

**alilyforastamp** @theteegeman she threatens because she worries about my well-being. :)

**shanemadej** I’d say “I can’t imagine what the two of you were like growing up”, but I don’t want to.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej don’t want to say it, or don’t want to imagine it? :P (i will assume the answer is “yes”.)

***

[Video: your computer screen, open on a link to a song, music playing through the speakers. Gavin DeGraw sings mid-chorus, and the first full lyric that is heard is “She sets, she sets the city on fire”. Camera quickly pans to your face, eyes wide, trying not to smile as you sing frantically “Smoke…smoke…sign of the devil! Sign of the devil! CITY ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!”]

_888 likes_

**alilyforastamp** mischief…mischief…

_See all 102 comments_

**saraerubin** This made me almost snort tea through my nose. It frightened Obi.

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin i apologize on both counts.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation.

Blue: a concept – avi kaplan singing hozier.

Grey: …i am ON. BOARD. WITH THIS.

Blue: avi singing “cherry wine”.

Grey: BREAK MY FECKING HEART WHY DONTCHA

Blue: avi singing “in the woods somewhere” for god-tier aesthetic.

Grey: MY DEEP-VOICED MOUNTAIN MAN YES BUT ALSO HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME

Blue: avi singing “take me to church”.

Grey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN TO THAT THANKS I HATE IT NOW I’MA BE DISTRACTED ALL DAY

Blue: [picture of that medal that said “3st”] you win a prize.

Grey: ?

Blue: because you’re so thirsty for him.

Grey: …okay, here’s what we’re NOT gonna do.]

_671 likes_

**alilyforastamp** text-ventures with my sister, part the-3st-is-real.

See all 84 comments

**adambianchi** #avicriedpower

**shanemadej** i hate that medal. so very much. how dare you subject me to such monstrosities.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej you subject me and ryan and literally thousands of people to the monstrosity that is the hotdaga, shut the fuck up maybe.

***

[Pictured: a notepad featuring what appear to be song lyrics in your handwriting. What can be seen in the picture is: “dear wesley fulmer, what to say to you/you have ned’s eyes, you have your mother’s smile”.]

_607 likes_

**alilyforastamp** it started with my sister jokingly singing “oh, wesley, you outshine the morning sun…ned’s son…look at ned’s son…pride is not the word i’m looking for”. and now i’m rewriting the whole thing…

_See all 197 comments_

**arielmfulmer** This is the sweetest thing!

**alilyforastamp** @arielmfulmer when i’m done, i can send you the full lyrics, if you or @nedfulmer want to sing it to him.

**theteegeman** you gonna do this for my kid? or your own kids?

**alilyforastamp** joke’s on you, i’m never having kids. (i’d be a terrible mom.)

***

[Video: you getting your motherfuckin’ JAM on as that version of “africa” at 135% speed plays. audio start’s at “—it’s waiting there for you… GONNA TAKE A LOT TO DRAG ME AWAAAAAAY FROM YOUUUUUUUUUU”. You occasionally lip-sync the lyrics as you bop at your desk. You strike dramatic yet goofy poses when you reach “THE THINGS WE NEVER HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD—OO-OOH!”]

_1,599 likes_

**alilyforastamp** second favorite version of this song i’ve ever listened to. [link to video]

_See all 784 comments_

**theteegeman** bring this on all the unsolved roadtrips, i beg of you. (also, baby marchbank LOVES this, holy crap, he is kicking something fierce…)

**alilyforastamp** @theteegeman baby marchbank’s got taste.

**ryanbergara** Is the Weezer cover your favorite? :P

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara no, NSP. because they didn’t change the key like a FUCKING COWARD, RIVERS.

**ryanbergara** @alilyforastamp Jesus Christ, dude.

***

[Pictured: you from the waist up, wearing a short, black, blunt-bob wig, a black V-neck with a sliver of grey at the top, a red blazer, a red lip tint, and a sullen expression.]

_1,175 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #tbt to halloween sophomore year, when i dressed up as jane “i like having low self-esteem; it makes me feel special” lane from “daria”.

_See all 842 comments_

**saraerubin** YES. I wanted to be Jane so much when I was younger.

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin i mean, you make badass art, so… :)

**adambianchi** have you considered homeopathy?

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi i’m going to stick with guys for now, but thanks for asking. :P

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation.

Blue: wanna hear a concept that’ll potentially piss you off?

Grey: always.

Blue: avi kaplan, but he sounds like avi “dan’s dad” avidan.

Grey: …there are now tears streaming down my face.

Grey: i can’t tell if they’re tears of laughter or tears of unbridled rage.

Grey: either way, i am SOBBING. (also i’m writing you out of my will for this.)

Blue: my work is done. (also, that’s fine, i wrote you out of my will last week when you jokingly suggested that “wicked” was better than “godspell”.) ]

_431 likes_

**alilyforastamp** text-ventures with my sister, part ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—bye.

_See all 96 comments_

**adambianchi** pippin’s the best stephen schwartz musical.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi if i didn’t know you were trolling me on purpose because i KNOW you couldn’t give two figs about musicals, i’d be giving you SO MUCH WHAT FOR.

**shanemadej** …please tell me you’re joking about the will thing. that’s ridiculous.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej okay, i’m joking. i didn’t write my sister out of my will. :P

***

[Video: “Miss Jackson” by Panic! at the Disco can be heard as the camera’s on you as you bop and hum along. Soon enough, your words become clearer: “Out the back door, goddamn, but I love her any—whooooOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOooooa, in the dark—” You abruptly stop bopping and, still in perfect time with the song you’ve shifted to, say “wait…”]

_690 likes_

**alilyforastamp** oops…

_See all 202 comments_

**ryanbergara** Oh my god, you’re such a dork… XD

**shanemadej** That’s my favorite My Chemical Romance song.

**adambianchi** did you say sorry to “miss jackson” and were you for real?

***

[Pictured: you onstage, in a grey-blue-ish romper and black boots that reach the mid-calf point. Your hair is in pigtail braids, a microphone is in your hand, and you appear to be moving with whatever you are singing, poised as though you are stomping a foot into the ground. Your face is intense, your eyes flashing.]

_787 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #tbt to senior year of college, when i played ilse in “spring awakening”. #mamawhoboreme #mamawhogaveme #nowaytohandlethings #whomademesosad

_See all 274 comments_

**saraerubin** That looks intense as hell.

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin it was; that song is a catharsis.

**shanemadej** You look less SAD and more MAD, like jeez, what the hell did Mama do?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej you don’t know the half of it, dude; read “spring awakening”.

***

[Pictured: you, a woman who bears a striking resemblance to you (your sister), and the members of Pentatonix. You’re standing between Kirstie and Avi; your sister is standing between Avi and Kevin.]

_1,187 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #fbf to that time i surprised my sister with backstage VIP ultra-mega-whatever tickets for pentatonix. (she also ended up being the “chair girl” that night. “best. birthday. ever…” she would later say once she had regained speech.)

_See all 889 comments_

**kelseydarragh** okay but those two your sister is standing with can GET IT.

**alilyforastamp** the one to her left is kevin; he beatboxes and plays cello (sometimes simultaneously), and he gives great hugs. the one to her right is avi; i’ve mentioned him one or twice before. :P

**adambianchi** …my beard is better.

***

[Video: the camera pans over a bunch of people in someone’s apartment. There’s general chatter in the background, some bits and pieces of conversation standing out when the speaking is particularly animated. First person seen is Helen, who smiles when she notices she’s being filmed. TJ and his wife are next, conversing with Mark and Devon as they dig into a bowl of popcorn. You can sort of ben seen from behind Shane’s tall frame. Sara glancing up at him as snippets of his voice carries to the camera “…the ONLY one…doesn’t want to…SUCH a buzzkill”. He rolls his eyes exaggeratedly and takes a sip of his beer before slapping your shoulder. The camera catches only the end of his sentence: “…just joking, jeez!” Your reaction can’t be seen.]

_5,980 likes_

**ryanbergara** Movie night with the Unsolved family. [popcorn emoji]

_See all 1,003 comments_

**zackevans** And you didn’t invite me, dude?

**dangerousatanyspeed** Ooh, fun! What movie?

**ryanbergara** @dangerousatanyspeed Something Disney. We’ve got a vote going between Tangled, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Lion King.

***

You to your sister: can you pick me up like now? please. i need to leave now.

Your sister to you: everything okay? thought movie night was gonna be fun; you were so excited.

You to your sister: we’re watching The Movie.

You to your sister: i’m a buzzkill for being the only one who didn’t want to vote for it. i’m ruining movie night. i’m ruining everything.

Your sister to you: …leaving now. i’ll be there as fast as i can.

***

Sara to you: Hey. Everything okay? You left pretty quickly, said something about an emergency.

You to Sara: yep. sister’s on her way. waiting in the parking lot for her.

Sara to you: Okay…you want to come back in and wait in the apartment until she gets here? It’s starting to rain a little bit.

You to Sara: nope.

Sara to you: …want someone to wait out there with you? Or at least bring you an umbrella?

You to Sara: nope.

Sara to you: …are you sure you’re okay?

You to Sara: fine.

You to Sara: tell everyone i’m sorry for ruining movie night.

You to Sara: sister’s here. bye.

***

[Video: the interior of a car at night. The camera trembles slightly through the whole of the video. Lights from the radio dully illumine the car as streetlights pass by and rain pitter-patters against the windshield. The gentle plucking of a guitar and a soft baritone fill the car. The lyrics that can be heard: “And I have troubles every day…but it turns out fine…it turns out fine…” A faint sound can be heard; it’s either the splash of tires running over a puddle of water, or a sniff coming from behind the camera.]

_211 likes_

**alilyforastamp** [link to the song “Quarter Past Four” by Avriel and the Sequoias]

_See all 42 comments_

**jenrigatoni** holy crap, this song…

**saraerubin** :(

***

Sara to you: You get home safe? Everything okay? Please let me know soon. You’ve been quiet for a really long time and I’m honestly freaking out a little bit. Just at least let me know you’re safe, please.

Ryan to you: Hey. Just wanted to check that everything is okay with you and your sister. You left REALLY quickly and seemed agitated so…I wanted to check in. You were missed at the rest of Movie Night.

Adam to you: sara’s asking if everything’s all right with you. i told her i didn’t know anything. based on that and your recent post, i get the impression not all is well. what’s going on?

***

[Video: a darkened living room, the television providing the light to the room. Your sister can be seen watching at first, a smile on her face. The camera pans over and zooms in on the TV, where a group of five can be seen singing an ‘80s hit acappella. They reach the high point of the song, which abruptly screeches to a halt as they seem to make themselves skip like a broken cassette or record before getting back on track. The audience watching them nearly drowns out the chorus of “Video Killed the Radio Star”; your sister can be heard laughing a little bit and lightly clapping.]

_463 likes_

**alilyforastamp** rewatching pentatonix’s performances from “the sing-off” with my sister…helps me feel a little better…but not a lot…

_See all 209 comments_

**jenrigatoni** how the HELL did they make themselves skip like that? (i know i should express concern for your well-being, but my mind’s kinda blown.) (…seriously though, feel better soon, lovely woman.)

**shanemadej** This is actually why you left movie night, isn’t it? (This doesn’t look like an emergency…just saying…)

***

You to Shane: i didn’t want to tell anyone why i left movie night. i didn’t want anyone to worry. but if you’re gonna be a dick on instagram, fine. here’s the truth, asshole. i’m trying to come down from the first severe panic attack i’ve had in years. i asked my sister to pick me up so i could break down in the privacy of my own home rather than freak everyone out. i don’t think anyone else would have enjoyed the hyperventilating or crying or vomiting. THAT is why i left movie night, you ABSOLUTE prick. now leave me the FUCK alone.

***

Sara to you: I’ve seen your text to Shane, and I’ve given him a thorough scolding for his lack of tact. I’ve also made him promise not to tell anyone else, given how you said you wanted to keep it private (although he may have told Ryan, if only because Ryan’s been freaking out about as much as I have…I’m sorry…I’ll talk to him as well and make sure it stays between the four of us). I don’t know what brought on your attack, and I won’t don’t want to share, that’s perfectly fine. But I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry it happened, and when you give me the okay, you’re getting the biggest hug from me. And if you ever do need to talk, I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Feel better soon.

Adam to you: want me to bring you a milkshake? or soup? rie made some chicken soup in the tasty kitchens today. (if you want me to shut up and leave you alone, i can do that, too. whatever you need.) (but if you need to talk about something…i’m here.) (you’re my friend, and i love you.)

Ryan to you: I’ve just spoken with Sara and Shane, and I’m so sorry. I had a feeling something wasn’t right when you left, but I had no idea that was what was going on. I promise I will not breathe a word to anyone. And I won’t ask for more details. It’s no one’s business but yours, and it’s your decision to share as little or as much of that as you want.

***

[Transcript of an email from you to Sara, Adam, Ryan, and Shane]

…it feels awkward to start this email with “hello”, like everything’s all casual and fine when it really…hasn’t been.

sara, ryan, and shane, you know what i’m going to address in this email. adam, you do not, but i trust you as much as the other three, and i feel bad for not having told you more about what happened earlier…i’m sorry.

let’s go over what happened. at movie night, i felt a panic attack coming on, and i left before anyone could witness it/before it could hit in full. i called in sick to the following work day because i was still recovering.

i haven’t had a panic attack in literal years. and i haven’t had one that severe since the first time i had one. that very first panic attack was triggered by something very specific. something i encountered at movie night.

before i go any further, here is a disclaimer. what i’m about to say in this email, you do not share with another single soul. i’m extremely private about a lot of things, and this includes my life pre-buzzfeed (save for the occasional tbt post on instagram, and even then, pics of only me). the majority of the rest of this email will be addressing aspects of my life pre-buzzfeed. i won’t provide all the details here, nor will i if you ask for them. i don’t like talking about them, but i need to for you all to understand.

shane, you joked…quite a bit…about me being put out with the results of the movie night vote (the vote having resulted in “tangled” being the movie of choice). you so very helpfully pointed out that i was the only one to have not voted for it, and that i was “being SUCH a buzzkill”. i guess i’m not good at trying to hide what i’m feeling as i thought because then you said you were “only kidding, jeez” and that i needed to “learn how to take a joke”.

so the first time i saw “tangled” was when it came out, when i was in college. went to see it with the film class i was in at the time. it starts fine, “when will my life begin” happens, it’s cute.

and then mother gothel and rapunzel have their first scene together. and “mother knows best” is sung. and i sort of slip into…not catatonia, but this state where i’m outside of my own body for the rest of the film until its’s over. at which point i walk calmly to the bathroom, enter the nearest stall, and throw up. and when i’m done throwing up, i cry.

because that first scene i mentioned brought me right back to childhood.

you know that bit with mother gothel and rapunzel looking in the mirror and gothel says she sees a strong, beautiful young lady? and rapunzel smiles? and then mother gothel says “…oh, look, you’re here too!” and she laughs as rapunzel’s face falls? that part that was in, like, ALL the commercials because ha ha, bait-and-switch humor is so funny?

imagine that, but repeatedly throughout your life, from when you’re…about five years old or so. (five is the earliest instance i can remember it happening, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it began earlier than that.)

she said a lot of shit like that. constantly putting me down and backpedaling with “i’m only teasing” or “i only say this because i care about you”. “learn how to take a joke.” anything good that ever happened, she’d find a way to make me feel like i didn’t deserve it/that i was being tricked. she was really good at making ME feel like the bad guy when SHE was the one who’d lashed out at me.

(she used to say she felt bad for my soulmate…because they’d be stuck with ME…imagine being seven, staring at your mark, and believing something like that.)

the reason “tangled” upset me so much is that that was the first time i saw a villain behave in the exact way my mom did. other villainous moms i’ve seen in media, their abuse of their offspring stemmed either from a place of a too-strong attachment to their child (“black swan”), or from just being flat-out evil (“carrie”). but “tangled”…i’m not exaggerating when i say some of the things mother gothel said, i heard, word for word, from my mom for years. and seeing and hearing the clear-cut villain in something behave just like my mom snapped me out of deluding myself that my mom wasn’t ALL bad.

i didn’t think of it as abuse at the time. she kept a roof over my head, fed me, helped pay for schooling, never hit me. i just…figured all moms were like that. and i figured that she was right about a lot of things. like the soulmate thing. or that i was too ugly of a child for pictures. or that i didn’t deserve happiness or good things because i was the reason dad left.

(…oh yeah, dad was never in the picture. never knew him. no clue who he is. although according to my sister, that’s for the better.) (actually, just go listen to “at the ballet” from “a chorus line”, first verse is literally my sister, third verse is me, second verse is both of us.) (only instead of the ballet, for my sister, it was piano, and for me, it was music and the stage.)

in case you’re wondering if my mom treated my sister any differently…no, not really. although my sister got angrier than i did, caught on more quickly than i did. wasn’t afraid to talk back. tried to get me out of the house away from mom as soon as she could, despite any hesitance on my part (see: rapunzel’s mood swings regarding leaving the tower, only less funny).

won’t address much more about my sister’s experience because that’s HER story to tell, not mine. but i will say this. she’s been a better mother to me than our mom was. and i regret that i can never quite return the favor, in that regard.

there’s…a lot more i could say, now that the memories keep flooding back, but this is enough of a “sob story” as it is.

so now that you’ve read this, you know. again, do not tell anyone. i do trust all of you enough not to, but…i just cannot stress how much i do not want the public to know about my “tragic backstory”.

i don’t want you guys to think you have to walk on eggshells around me now. and i don’t want you to worry about repeat incidents. as i said, i haven’t had a panic attack in years. “tangled” is my one big trigger, so just…don’t invite me to a watching of it and we’re cool.

please Please PLEASE do not feel guilty. (shane, this is directed at you especially because…i lashed out at you like an ABSOLUTE bitch and it wasn’t fair to you.) you guys didn’t know. i didn’t WANT you to know. it’s not because i don’t like or trust any of you. i’m just super private about certain aspects of my life, and i REALLY don’t like talking about this particular aspect of my life. in retrospect, i will admit i should have better explained why i didn’t want to watch “tangled” (e.g., it triggers bad memories), but please don’t feel at fault. it’s my fault for not mentioning it. you didn’t know, you couldn’t have known, you wouldn’t have known. i’m sorry.

and please, for christ’s sake, don’t pity me. don’t look at me and think “what a poor, noble soul, she’s been through so much” or anything like that. i am, for the most part, fine.

…okay, i think this email’s long enough. i’ve been drafting this for…hours, it feels like…typing and retyping and deleting, trying to figure out what i felt you needed to know and what wasn’t important for you to know.

tl;dr—my mom kinda sucks. “tangled” is too real when it comes to the whole shitty mom aspect, and that’s why i hate it.

***

Sara to you: I know you don’t want anyone making a fuss but…I just need you to know that the next time I see you, I’m gonna give you the biggest hug in the world. …and if you ever want to come over and snuggle Obi, you’re always welcome to. He’s getting better with strangers.

You to Sara: …i may take you up on that when he’s 100% okay with strangers. (thank you. you live up to your twitter handle.)

***

Adam to you: that was never my favorite disney movie. i also listened to that song from “a chorus line” and i have no doubt you can hit those crazy good notes at the end.

You to Adam: not as good as the OG maggie can. (i know you want to ask to meet up for milkshakes. see you in 30?)

Adam to you: (yes.)

***

Shane to you: [picture set of a greeting card. On the front, a small blue cartoon dog says “Sorry”. On the inside, the same blue cartoon dog says “I pretty much suck”.]

You to Shane: you do not.

Shane to you: No, I do. I keep thinking back on digs I’ve made against you or your sister on Instagram and realizing how EXTREMELY not funny they are in retrospect and fearing others have also been painfully accurate. And my Instagram self is curled up in a little ball of regret and apology.

You to Shane: as i said, you didn’t know, and i didn’t want anyone to. if anything, i should be apologizing again for snapping at you the way i did and calling you an asshole. you didn’t deserve that. it wasn’t fair to you. me being in the middle of a panic attack is no excuse.

Shane to you: You were completely justified in doing so, though. Because I WAS being an asshole.

You to Shane: …let’s just come to a compromise and say that we both suck.

Shane to you: I’ll take it.

Shane to you: …I’m sorry, but I need to ask, because this one is eating away at me. The will thing I said was ridiculous…is that one that’s actually not so ridiculous?

You to Shane: …you get one freebie, and that’s it.

You to Shane: yes, i have a will. and a health care directive. so does my sister. day i turned 18, my sister told me she’d arranged for us to have them drafted, and we went to a bank to have them notarized. main purpose for it was to cut my mom out completely…to ensure she has absolutely no say in the handling of our affairs should either of us die before her.

You to Shane: (yes, we joke about cutting each other out of our wills regularly. that’s part of how we function—mask with humor.)

***

Ryan to you: Hi. …don’t hate me for this, but…I had a feeling that was what had happened. Just…based on one of our conversations during the Sofia Volta Q&A. Like, I remembered that after watching…that movie…and I thought back over certain scenes and kinda put two and two together. Just based on your reactions to everyone wanting to watch the movie and how quickly you left and…I’m gonna stop now, I feel like I’m digging myself into a hole. I’d wanted to ask earlier, but that seemed INCREDIBLY invasive, so I didn’t.)

You to Ryan: yeah, that would’ve gotten you a “fuck off”. followed by an apology because you didn’t deserve that. you’re an incredibly perceptive person.

You to Ryan: …well…that, and you like to theorize about everything.

Ryan to you: That’s true.

Ryan to you: …I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. Your sister didn’t deserve it. I can’t imagine what it was like growing up with that and…I just… You’re incredible.

You to Ryan: …thanks…although now you have a better understanding of why i have a hard time with compliments and people saying things like…well, what you just said. there’s always going to be that voice in the back of my head telling me it’s not true, you’re being lied to.

Ryan to you: That voice is wrong. And forgive my bluntness, but your mom was wrong. Your soulmate is going to be one of the luckiest people on earth when they meet you.

You to Ryan: doubtful. i’m…honestly, i’m terrified of them finding me. because i know i’ll have to tell them everything. and i’m afraid i’ll never believe any of the sweet things they say because so many years i’ve been told not to. …i don’t even want kids. i’m terrified i’ll end up like her, and that i’ll do the same to them, and i’ll never forgive myself for it.

You to Ryan: …i’m sorry, i don’t know why i just told you that.

Ryan to you: It’s okay. I promise I won’t tell. …but you don’t have anything to be afraid of. Your soulmate will probably fall for you the minute they see you.

You to Ryan: we’ll see.

You to Ryan: …thank you.

***

[Video: you and your sister sitting next to each other, mid-singing…something. The video catches what seems to be a “—ks” because the two of you sing, in full, and quite operatically (you on soprano, your sister on alto), “Eaaaaaaaaaaat a…baaaaaaaaaaag of…” Your sister holds a hand up as if directing the two of you as you sing a final, angelic “diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicks!” before your sister conducts the close. The two of you then share a look before laughing.]

_1,374 likes_

**alilyforastamp** my sister and i have a message you can send to all your haters out there. (which we lovingly pilfered from brittain ashford and gelsey bell. original at link.) [link to video]

_See all 809 comments_

**jenrigatoni** brava! ‘throws roses’ also i have a new ringtone!

**eugeneleeyang** what an elegant way to tell people to fuck off.

**ryanbergara** You two are the best. :)

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara my sister’s slightly better. :P (nah, but really…she’s the actual best.)

**Author's Note:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


End file.
